Overactive Thoughts

Warning: this post talks about typically depressed and existential thoughts.

I’m not sure if this is something to do with being more prone to depression and anxiety due to Asperger’s, or because my mind wanders a lot due to ADD, but I have a lot of overactive thoughts. They include thoughts such as “what happens when we die?” and “one day I’ll be there and the next I won’t” or “tomorrow I could wake up and die and I won’t even know that’s the day I’m going to die”.

These thoughts started when I was about 14-15 and studying Religious Studies at school. I went into a bit of an existential crisis at that time, and ruminated a lot on these thoughts, which scared me. At one point I wasn’t even afraid to die, because I just didn’t care about anything – the existentialism made me realise that nothing is really worth doing because when we die, that’s it. We’re gone forever.

I still ponder existentialism and the fact that I’m going to die and it’s inevitable quite a lot, more late at night now rather than for the entire day. To stop them, I usually just go to sleep (which is probably what I should be doing right now because it’s 10:20pm and I’m starting to get tired which means I will ruminate on these thoughts even more). There are some songs that also induce these thoughts for me, particularly listening to them late at night. They include:

  • Anthems For A Seventeen Year Old Girl – Broken Social Scene
  • Under My Thumb – The Rolling Stones
  • Misguided Ghosts – Paramore
  • Future – Paramore
  • Heroes – David Bowie
  • Go Your Own Way – Fleetwood Mac
  • And almost anything by Neutral Milk Hotel

Because it gets dark at around about 4:30pm where I live, this means I walk home in the dark from the train station as I have to get the train to college. This usually makes me think about particular existential thoughts as there’s something about the nights sky and space that makes me ponder about life in general. Since David Bowie’s death, I’ve gotten into his music a lot more. My family has always been into artists like David Bowie, but I’ve never really gotten into them until this month.

Although today I wasn’t listening to Bowie as I was walking home, but Red Hot Chili Peppers, for some reason the sky tonight made me think of him. I shared 17 and a half years on Earth with him, and now all of a sudden he’s gone. It made me think of how things just continue after someone dies (even if he will be remembered, other’s like me won’t be), which is quite a scary thought for me. But it also makes me question if anything is really reality, or if it’s just a figment of my imagination and that everything will stop when I die – but of course I won’t know because I’ll be dead.

As I walked down the road leading to my house and looking up at how the naked branches of the trees looked against the dark blue sky, I thought about how one day I’ll move out, and possibly move away from my home town altogether, and how one day is going to be my last day walking down that road and visiting the house that I’ve lived in for almost 17 years.

There was really no point in this post, but sometimes it’s just nice to get my thoughts out in the open. I don’t think I’m depressed, at least I don’t feel it. I definitely have my down days, but my mood fluctuates so fast I can’t tell how I feel half the time. I apologise if I upset anyone with the nature of this post.

Advertisements
This entry was posted in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

9 Responses to Overactive Thoughts

  1. Writing down your thoughts is always a great release, and it was lovely to read your musings. Would love to keep in touch and share positive thoughts. Please check out my blog and give it a share if you fancy. Thank you x https://thesuitcasekiddealingwithabrokenhome.wordpress.com

    Like

    • Thank you! This post is a little different to what I usually write because of its deep nature. I actually actively avoid things on the internet that talk about the nature of what this post is about, which is one of the reasons it’s unusual for me to be writing about this topic on my own blog. I will be sure to check out your blog, but you may have to bear with me until the morning.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Well I thought you wrote it beautifully and I would love to hear more of the same from you. I can definitely relate x

        Like

      • Thank you very much 🙂 I was just having a quick look through your blog and I found where you wrote about times you were genuinely happy. Nothing really comes to mind right this second for me, except the summer of 2014 when I had finished all my GCSE exams and got about an 8 week summer break instead of 6 weeks. Coming home from my last exam and being able to eat my favourite pizza and binge watch Orphan Black was the best, and the whole summer after that was just amazing.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Thanks so much for taking a look 🙂 Ahh great! Sometimes its the most simple things that are the most special of happy moments 🙂 Plus finishing GCSE’s is a massive sigh of relief if nothing else!! Looking forward to reading more blogs!!

        Like

      • That’s okay! It was only a quick look and I saw about you saying that you’ve only genuinely been happy a few times, which prompted my own memories. Tomorrow I’m going to read that post properly along with others from your blog – I would do it now but it’s late and I have to get to sleep and stop listening to David Bowie lol.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Definitely get some rest. I actually have an exam tomorrow too so better get some rest myself. Thankyou again for reading. I have loved having a look through your posts.

        Like

      • Good luck with your exam! You’re welcome, thank you for reading my posts too.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Thank you so much!

        Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s