Warning: this post talks about typically depressed and existential thoughts.
I’m not sure if this is something to do with being more prone to depression and anxiety due to Asperger’s, or because my mind wanders a lot due to ADD, but I have a lot of overactive thoughts. They include thoughts such as “what happens when we die?” and “one day I’ll be there and the next I won’t” or “tomorrow I could wake up and die and I won’t even know that’s the day I’m going to die”.
These thoughts started when I was about 14-15 and studying Religious Studies at school. I went into a bit of an existential crisis at that time, and ruminated a lot on these thoughts, which scared me. At one point I wasn’t even afraid to die, because I just didn’t care about anything – the existentialism made me realise that nothing is really worth doing because when we die, that’s it. We’re gone forever.
I still ponder existentialism and the fact that I’m going to die and it’s inevitable quite a lot, more late at night now rather than for the entire day. To stop them, I usually just go to sleep (which is probably what I should be doing right now because it’s 10:20pm and I’m starting to get tired which means I will ruminate on these thoughts even more). There are some songs that also induce these thoughts for me, particularly listening to them late at night. They include:
- Anthems For A Seventeen Year Old Girl – Broken Social Scene
- Under My Thumb – The Rolling Stones
- Misguided Ghosts – Paramore
- Future – Paramore
- Heroes – David Bowie
- Go Your Own Way – Fleetwood Mac
- And almost anything by Neutral Milk Hotel
Because it gets dark at around about 4:30pm where I live, this means I walk home in the dark from the train station as I have to get the train to college. This usually makes me think about particular existential thoughts as there’s something about the nights sky and space that makes me ponder about life in general. Since David Bowie’s death, I’ve gotten into his music a lot more. My family has always been into artists like David Bowie, but I’ve never really gotten into them until this month.
Although today I wasn’t listening to Bowie as I was walking home, but Red Hot Chili Peppers, for some reason the sky tonight made me think of him. I shared 17 and a half years on Earth with him, and now all of a sudden he’s gone. It made me think of how things just continue after someone dies (even if he will be remembered, other’s like me won’t be), which is quite a scary thought for me. But it also makes me question if anything is really reality, or if it’s just a figment of my imagination and that everything will stop when I die – but of course I won’t know because I’ll be dead.
As I walked down the road leading to my house and looking up at how the naked branches of the trees looked against the dark blue sky, I thought about how one day I’ll move out, and possibly move away from my home town altogether, and how one day is going to be my last day walking down that road and visiting the house that I’ve lived in for almost 17 years.
There was really no point in this post, but sometimes it’s just nice to get my thoughts out in the open. I don’t think I’m depressed, at least I don’t feel it. I definitely have my down days, but my mood fluctuates so fast I can’t tell how I feel half the time. I apologise if I upset anyone with the nature of this post.